Just Give Up!
The Anatta Challenge
For the next month, I’m giving up on myself. Self-destruction doesn’t need to be fraught with hatred towards oneself. I’ve given up pretty much everything to live out my wildest yogi dreams.
Buddhism is all about thinking outside of the box. I want to honor the philosophy of “going against the stream” by discovering self-destruction as a wholesome practice. I’ll be studying the thirteen dhutangas and practicing some of them along with adherence to the eight precepts. I’m also going to revisit the Satipatthana Sutta.
Ayya Kosalla’s Substack is a great resource for anyone who wants to learn about and practice Satipatthana (The Establishing of Mindfulness via body, feeling/sensation tones, mind, and dhamma contemplation). Another resource is Bhikkhu Analayo’s free guided meditations based on the sutta. Big thanks to Dharma Treasure for providing the community and environment that makes Theravadin ascetic training possible. Safety third because it’s all about the container!***
Anatta means Non-self. This definition seems insubstantial, but I guess that’s the whole point. There isn’t a self that can be captured, domesticated, and preserved despite the concept of self which has an intrinsic beauty that is tempting to pin down and encase. I’ve always struggled with a sense of self— a quality that’s been viewed as a symptom of an illness. Anatta has provided me with a cure for the alienation I’ve experienced after 10+ years of being told there was something wrong with me.
The idea of an illusory nature of self-identity can still be unnerving and straight-up WTF. A genuine insight into anatta must be paired with a trusted and knowledgeable Dhamma Guide. Even though I may struggle with self-construction, I still tend to protect this self which constantly arises and passes away. I don’t want to be controlled, exploited, or manipulated by anything or anyone. Tough luck. Fun needs to be found in this so-called “ridiculous game” of causes and conditions.
I’ll be experimenting with anatta to reduce unwholesome actions of body, speech, and mind associated with maintaining my sense of individuality. This sounds like total madness, and it is, but ‘just giving up’ is how I’ve been able to find freedom when ‘meaningfulness’ is no longer a requirement for staying alive. Especially when it comes to not identifying as either female or male, I believe that anatta gives me the freedom to be exactly as I am. Genderless, purposeless, and selfless.
The self seeks purpose. Letting go of the conventional notion of ‘purpose’ has helped me to cultivate wholesome actions that increase the well-being of everyone that I’m connected to whether as a friend, enemy, or neutral presence. By taking on body, feelings/sensation tones, mind states, and dhammas as my objects of meditation, I’ll be training this mind to directly experience how none of these aspects define ‘Euna’.
Here are a few more things I’m going to do to give up on myself:
Shave my head!!!
Brahmavihara (Loving-Kindness, Compassion, Joy, and Equanimity Meditations)
Acts of service
Only wear my broken, outdated prescription eyeglasses
Drink instant coffee in a cave
I’ll check back in with you on October 13th— my birthday.
***Please don’t attempt these practices without a strong container that puts safety and well-being first when it comes to ascetic training. I’m doing these practices of my own volition. I don’t recommend following the path I’m paving, but I’m happy to support anyone who’s trying to find their way.
I am guided by Bhikkhuni Kosalla Vipassini. Please subscribe to their substack [satipatthana.substack.com] to receive Dhamma Letters every Tuesday.
Metta meditation Online on Sundays at 9-10 am until Oct.15th.
If you’d like to join, click the link https://meet.google.com/ptx-uzgc-kdp. It requires Gmail to access.
As a renunciate, I’ve made a vow to dedicate my life to the teachings of Buddhism. Your monthly, yearly, or ‘founder’ Substack donation goes directly towards necessary food, clothing, and medicine. You may also donate via Venmo @euna_soleproprietor.
Donors receive 1:1 meditation guidance and confidential peer support.
Please email scoby@substack.com for any questions.